


always in my head

by emeraldine



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, FitzSimmons - Freeform, Letters, Love Letters, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:41:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4554591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeraldine/pseuds/emeraldine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which jemma writes everything out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	always in my head

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure whether I want to write other chapters in which the letter actually somehow makes it to fitz and this becomes an actual fic or not, because I certainly want to write some rescue and reunion scenes for the two of them. I think I'd rather make this a standalone though. but let me know what you think and if you ever want to chat hmu on tumblr @ leopclds.tumblr.com!  
> enjoy!

dear fitz,

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, and whether that’s because I don’t know how to transmit a message from an alien rock or because I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it, I also don’t know. but even if you never get this, at least I’ll have it. and truthfully, I think I need it just as much as you do.

for most of my life, processing things has been easy. I’ve been able to make sense of complex formulas and equations and theorems in the same way that you have and you, for so long, were just as simple as these. you were my best friend in the world, my partner in everything, my go-to no matter the circumstance. the answer to so many of my questions was you. you were simple. we were.

unfortunately, things couldn’t remain that way. through circumstances neither of us could have ever predicted, we found ourselves at the bottom of something I’d always wanted to perceive was bottomless, at the final point of something I didn’t want to end. never before had two scientists, two little lab rats who rarely saw the field had to suddenly make the impossible decision of who would live. in my mind it was simple. it always had been. we were together; we were always together and we’d emerge from that ocean together and our friendship would remain unchanged because we’d never have to discuss who’d survive.

but there was only one breath.

and then suddenly, nothing was simple. nothing was an equation that could be solved with numbers or logic or reason, because you said those words. and we weren’t just best friends anymore. now, we had to think. and it was harder than wrapping my head around the first law of thermodynamics had once been, because I wasn’t just simmons, and you weren’t just fitz, suddenly I was more than that, and you were all at once so strong and so sure and so beautiful and before I could even think you’d pressed that button. and we made it out alive. but for nine agonising days I was forced to confront the reality that everything I knew about us was no more. for nine days you breathed but you never spoke, never laughed, never moved, never opened your eyes. you were there but you weren’t and I had to try and imagine a life without you.

I couldn’t think about it. couldn’t help but think about it.

so I left. I ran away from the uncertain despite being certain that I could never escape it. I ran, and then I ran back and you were so hurt, so broken that reality now seemed even more impossible to face. so we walked on eggshells and navigated this new tension, burning, then keeping our distance, then burning again. all we knew how to do for so long was hurt and blame and avoid. we played this back and forth game until I thought I’d go insane.

the thing is, in this broken, strained bond strung far out between us you were still somehow constant. you filled the space in my head and you never left it, but for once, that was what scared me. I knew hypotheses and chemical reactions and how to create an antiserum but I didn’t, and truthfully still don’t fully know what you do to me. for the past year I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the way my heart leaps every time I see you, and the way your voice is more welcome than anyone else’s, and to be quite honest, I hated it. I hated how hard it had been for me to understand myself. but something I’m so sure of now, now that I’m away from you again is that things won’t ever be the way they used to, and now, I don’t mind that. I remember once saying, when things were so broken between us I couldn’t see us fixing them, that all I wanted was my best friend back. now it’s so clear to me that that’s not the case at all.

I want leopold fitz, who goes out into the field more often than he’s in the lab these days, even though that means my time with him is limited. I want what I know still remains of leopold fitz, who finished my sentences and seemed to know what I was saying before I even did. but I also want leopold fitz, who may take a little longer to find the words than he used to, and I want leopold fitz, who calls me out when I’m wrong even if it means fighting and yelling and then not speaking for a day. I want leopold fitz, who’ll still eat a prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella sandwich when I’m too proud to say I’m sorry, and that’ll be all we need. I want leopold fitz, my best friend, and leopold fitz, my partner. and if I’m not too late, I’d really love leopold fitz, my boyfriend. I want leopold fitz in every capacity. I love him.

I love you. so much.

so, maybe when I get out of this thing, that date can finally happen?

love, jemma


End file.
